WALK ME DOWN THE AISLE SERIES: Episode 6: Bonnievale & Broken pieces of my heart – 31 DAYS

I could not post over the weekend as usual as I was away on a camp somewhere in Bonnievale in a farm called River Goose Camp. It was fun being out in nature, away from internet and electricity and all the noise and “comfort” of city life to just spend time with friends and family.

I was there last year exactly at the same time. The 14th of March is the birthday of Mel who I have come to take as my mum. She loves nature and has always returned to the farm to celebrate her birthday so last year we were there and returned this year again. I made a post here last year when we went. If you missed it, here is your opportunity to catch up, see the post here.

This year we had more friends and family so it was fun. I had a great time and enjoyed the long drive too. Highlight of my weekend was the time spent with the little angel Nina who is just 2. I have not seen such a sweet kid in a long time. so adorable and she is so intelligent, engages in such meaningful talk that left me wondering if she is not way older than her age. Everyone who came for the camp fell in love with Nina.

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It’s exactly 1 month to the wedding. 31 days!!! I am excited about what lies ahead and I write with joy but my joy is not complete. I write this with some pain and half a tear. Perhaps it is the way I am made, maybe it’s a man thing or maybe I am yet to just understand it fully.

I had a chat with a dear friend last week and told her about the wedding (I think she already heard from some friends). I told her and she went quite for a while then said congratulations and later told me things will change and said she is warning me “in advance” to anticipate a weird reaction. She said she was “shocked” by the news and later admitted it’s difficult to remains friends with and watch me build my life.

The discussion left me feeling sad and broken. I love my friends and will always hate to lose any. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my friendship especially with her and kept hearing the word “unfair” ringing in my ears…that was what she said I was…unfair to her…always have been unfair to her.

So as I take my walk down the aisle, I will take these thoughts with me. There will be friends I will love to see around but will see them no more. There are friends I will love to have around in my life but they are leaving and maybe never to return. Life is funny, such a happy phase in my life laced with some bitter flavour. In the course our relationship and planning for the wedding, I have met new friends who have come into my life and made it better. However, I am not faced with the flip side…just as friends come, some are changing and some are leaving. A sad truth which I must accept no matter how unpleasant it sounds. It makes me sad and if only I could change things and keep all my friends happy I will.

I love my friend and it will hurt to see her change and start acting “weird” but for now it is out of my hands. I can only wish for the best…I have searched my conscience and I still can’t figure it all out.

WALK ME DOWN THE AISLE SERIES : Episode 3: One of those times!! – 56 Days!

As my fingers click away on the keyboard and my eyes follow the sequence of letters that print out on the screen to form words that make up sentences which grow to paragraphs that eventually crystallized into this article, my mind is in a different spaces now…I am trying to join the dots and make sense of how it began, trying to weave a story out of it so I can use it as my Episode 3 or this series but I just failed to join the dots, there were no dots no join…If I picture can perfectly describe the state of my mind now is the picture of a duck on a pond. On the surface, it looks all calm and serene, but underneath the water the feet paddle furiously….yeah that’s me now.

Duck on a pond

I still can’t make a story of it but I will try say it as it is. Tendai and I had a bit of misunderstanding…it was nothing big but it still left me feeling bitter and upset. Tendai was telling me about some plans she had for the future, it involved some brilliant business ideas she plans to pursue, she wanted input from me in two aspects, first she wanted to know what I think of it, secondly she asked if I know of any potential source of funding she could exploit for the business.

Now a bit of background about the biz side of me. I am not in any way an entrepreneur. I am just not wired that way. What I think I am is an excellent manager or what I call secondary entrepreneur. Present me with an idea and I am you man to trouble shoot it and execute it to your specifications. Tendai seem to be the entrepreneur – one of the reason I love her really. As she talked me through the biz plan she mentioned she had done a lot of thinking about it and it was obvious…she had even made a potential move on an investor which looked promising.

It was obvious to me that she had invested a lot of thought into it and as I soaked in on everything she said and tried to think it through she popped the two questions…first that caught me off guard then my zero entrepreneur mind started to boot and come up with an answer…the first answer was easy and I told her it is a great idea and yes I believe it can work. Next question I told her what I thought and maybe that was not what she expected of my response. It was a short answer really, I told her I think we may be faced with a greater challenge getting funding because not many people or companies out there exist that will be keen to invest significant amount of money into a start-up biz. I said the risks are high and it will need a bit of re-strategizing.

She thought I was not supportive enough and my answer was too brief, I thought she was unreasonable I need some time to think and also research and I said that in few words before I felt upset and clamped my mouth and said no more. As I typed this we have spent half of the day not saying more than a few words to each other. I looked across to her on the sofa as she watched one of the many versions of master chef programs on TV. I don’t follow any so not sure which it was. I looked at her and though I still was bitter I still felt love for her. I looked at her and looked at my calendar and saw the reminder than it was exactly one month and 28 days left before she becomes my wife and my heart warmed up and I felt like walking up to her and gathering her up in an embrace to tell her how much I love her and how blessed I am to have her in my life but I quickly put off that thought and embraced my bitterness as I typed even more furiously, if only the keyboard can talk they would have complained.

As I reflect on what we were going through I asked myself will such misunderstanding occur again in future? yes I knew it would…I still have misunderstandings with myself and I will only be fooling myself to think no misunderstanding will come up again. This is one fact about marriage many may not realize or want to accept. Misunderstandings are part of any relationship even the best of couples do have their moments of misunderstanding. So I learnt something new from this latest experience. Misunderstanding does not negate love. The fact I was upset didn’t make me love Tendai any less. I would wish we never have to go through a misunderstanding again but I am grateful for the lesson I got from this instance. I am still convinced that come the 18th of April I will be as excited to take the vows and promise my eternal love to Tendai.

One more thing, Pride is a big giant which is always close by and when allowed can wreck utter destroy the happiness and joy that has been laboriously built with love over the years. For those periods I held to my bitterness and looked at her as she watched TV, I told myself I love her and wanted to reach out to her but pride held me back and I embraced my negative spirit. I now look back and regret those moments which could have been spent doing something fun together but now those periods have been lost forever…stolen by that thief called PRIDE.

Well, we are all cool with T now…. 🙂 yeah i could only be proud for so long…I rather love than get bitter…the doctor said that’s good for my health.

NOTE TO SELF.

  • Swallow your pride, never allow a misunderstanding drag longer than reasonable.
  • Look out for the positive in every unpleasant situation. Focus on the good and hold onto sweet memories.
  • The longer a misunderstanding is allowed to linger, the more complicated it will become and the more difficult it becomes to solve the misunderstanding.

SIDE NOTE

Have you listened to the song Sugar by Maroon5? Have you watched the Video? If you have not now is the time and well…that’s one song that must be on my wedding playlist. 😉